If Phantasy Star fucked Star Ocean and Final Fantasy took the baby from the womb, sprinkled a little FF DNA on the fetus, shoved it back inside and let the birth just happen … this is what you would get … FFXIII.

I bought this game so I could get in on the FFXIV beta. So far I have been on a track, have not been able to explore anything and love the corny dialogue. Yea, pretty much the dialogue, silly as shite as it is, is what I like best about this game. Keep in mind that I am only three hours into it. The graphics are pretty slick, but does not quite make up for the linear as hell game play.

At this point I am in an area that reminds me of the mother fuckin’ Winchester House. Normally I would find this cool, but you can’t really go anywhere but forward. Oh, at the beginning of each track, if you look behind you, you will find some floating ball thing that will give you Gil or items and shit. The music is not so great, but that could be because I am only a few hours into the game.

Gameplay, you axe? How’s the gameplay? I like it … but again from what I read that the further into the game you get the deeper it becomes. At this point the depth is pretty much set you characters in certain roles and button mash. Mash too slow and you will not get a good battle grade. But, I do like the gameplay better than the graphics. If more of the chick’s boobs in this game would sway and bounce I would say the graphics rule. And, sure, you get a peak at their panties … but they are just CG. They are not real. But I still would like to see a bit more bounce and sway to the polygonal tatas.

So far the game is fair. I hear from everyone that it gets a lot better and you can explore a bit more toward the end. I sure hope so.

People bitch about the graphics in this game, but I say “F” them. The graphics are fine. And since there are 256 players on the field at the same time causing massive damage and harm I say bless you to the Zipper Interactive for doing something that the other game developers should have been doing for a long time … creating a game that actually matters. A game that actually plays out like a war. None of this pussy fifteen minute frag fest shite. These matches can last up to 45 mintues; you play until you accomplish your mission or until you are defeated.

Basically you are either defending or attacking in this game. As you progress you go up in levels and earn points to purchase guns, scopes, etc. You stay with your squad and work on the same objectives. You get more EXP for kill when you are near your squad leader, this encourages team work and awesomeness.

You can also re-spec your toon so if you start off using all sniper and want to take back your points and put them into something else you can. I have not done this. I have bought back points I spent on stuff like assault as I did not need that in my build.

The one part I don’t understand is why people shoot their own team mates. There are times retards are shooting as they spawn and they knock me down to like 62 health. Then there are some dudes who like to just shoot their team mates until they are dead. I plan on being a dick and exposing these fools soon.

The game is a whole lotta fun. I realize that there are people who will not like this game. At this time there are only a few maps but they are huge. And even if you are playing this game and not liking it stick it out until you get a few of the 256 player games in. It’s insane and well worth the time.

After finding my disc and ordering the Logitech keyboard controller I went to GameStop to buy a used PS2. Got it back to my house and hooked it up. After entering my credit card information about ten times I finally got on-line. Walked my existing Level 9 Necro Elf (I think) out of some necro zone and began traipsing up a hill to kill some stuff and my PS2 died. It will be returned first thing in the morning. By this time tomorrow night I plan on having my Level 9 up to about 15 … I am hoping. That is if the next used PS2 works. Talk about being bummed in the gob.

1. Into the Woods @ PA Playhouse – Was it the well written article or all the breast talk that shot the hit count for this article way out of the ball park (get it?)? Who cares? This was the most read article on serious fix and one of the most read articles in China.

2. Couples Retreat – I think it was the perverted masseuse that helped pump this articles hit count to second place.

3. Pandorum… – Could it have been the author’s obvious obsession with dick jokes that set this one on the climb? A solid third place on this.

4. H1N1 – The Ugly Swine Flu – We were so concerned about the Swine Fly (aka Hamthrax) that we had one of our field reporters in CA contract it so she would write about it. She is still alive. Fourth place.

5. H1N1 Vaccine Insert [Read This!] – We believe in warning you about the poisons your leaders agree to dump into you. That is why this article took a hefty fifth place. Because we care.

“What’s under the hood?” you ask.

1. Creepy baby thing crawling on the floor. Does not fit in with whatever plot the film has, but if you like that kind of thing, there you go.

2. Ghosts of victims of Winchester guns. Okay, they are still sporting their gun powder burned faces. Brilliant.

3. Parents who seem to not care that their daughter is missing. The director needed to rethink the way he worked on this. These people should have been trying desperately to find their missing daughter. Instead they were running away from ghosts and embracing each other during times of danger. Tripe.

4. Really bad death scenes. One guy gets thrown against a wall, walks out of his body, turns to look at his corpse and fades into something like a fog. Oh, I am amazed at the lack of awesomeness.

I got nothing. This film is retarded. I don’t think anyone could make a film this retarded on purpose. Its like someone gave a video camera to a person with a really bad brain tumor and said, “Go film some stuff.” And that person did just that. Yes. I am angry. I just wasted over an hour of my time laying on a couch watching this crap.

** The baby in that poster has nothing at all to do with this incredibly awful movie! NOTHING! It crawls across a floor and climbs up a bed! It has nothing to do with the movie!

With the exception of one character, Harrison Dent (a paranormal investigator played by Tomas Boykin), this film is a waste of time. It has a great setting, but it fails at delivering any serious scares. The feeble attempts to create a frightening atmosphere only detract from a story that may have had a chance with a few more rewrites and the right film crew.

Don’t rent it. Don’t Netlick it. By all means don’t buy it! DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Now, what works with this story is the fact that you feel uncomfortable from the beginning no matter how she shakes her silly little tail. The further along you get you realize something is going to happen and it builds and builds for about 50 minutes and then something big happens …

SPOILER WARNING

After the main chick’s friend drops her off at the babysitting gig she pulls off the road to light a cigarette and finds that her lighter doesn’t work. Some dude pushes a lit lighter in front of her making her and me both jump. She lights her cigarette and thanks him. He verifies that she is not the babysitter, all friendly like, and then blows her face off with a pistol. Shocking. This is what is in store for you in the next forty minutes of the film.

The film basically begins to play like a survival horror game. To me, this is why the film works so well. It reminded me of the original Resident Evil and a game called Haunting Ground (PS2) in mood and shock value. If you like this kind of thing, please see this film. It is good.

Check out the Rotten Tomatoes Review below. Killer!

So tune into the positivity and be sure to make some Jell-O, cause this show is going to be all that (no bag of chips here unless the Cos did a chip commercial I forgot about … hey hey hey).

Rachel Marie has a very melodic and solid voice. Her songs are original, honest and well written with lyrics that inspire awe as they capture incredible emotions and thoughts making one connect to the music as if it was a fond memory. Her audience interaction is as if she has been a good friend for years and you are all just hanging out and catching up. Her drummer dude rocked on stage, to (he had some laid back energy that added a mighty fine beat to the music … kudos, man). She will be releasing a CD real soon. I will keep you posted.

If you ever see her name be sure to gather your friends and get to her show. You will be quite pleased and leave knowing that their is still amazing talent in this wiley world of ours.

If you want to hear her songs and watch videos of her, check out the Rachel Marie Fan Page over at facebook and become a fan. This chick is mad good.

This phone runs the Android 2.0 system (and has recently been updated to Android 2.01) and is fast as hell. There are no issues loading apps or trying to get things done (Windows Mobile was a pile of lard; slow and tired was Windows Mobile). I am not getting into specs, though, as I am going to be lazy and tell you to watch this video:

Pros: great display, amazing app market (tons are free and good), loading speeds are incredible, apps, personalization options galore, 16 gb storage space out of box

Cons: flat buttons on keyboard (though you probably will never use the keyboard once you use the on screen keyboard), cramping keyboard angle for right hand (again, you will probably not even use this keyboard)

Interesting Side Note: I also found with this phone at first is that fact that making calls while on the road is not easy at all. I then realized that this may make the road safer as some people like myself will opt to just let it ring whilst driving thus putting your life in less jeopardy.

Seriously, people, I love this phone. Coming from a Treo running Windows Mobile it is so incredible to be able to just do stuff when I need to without rebooting the phone or having to wait for the OS to catch up.

With lyrics that beat a cold, hard “FUCK YOU” into the skull of the shadow government that rules the earth, Slayer says it all with power. The music … right when you thought Slayer could not get any heavier they drop this on us. Turn this up loud. If you do not have blood running from your ears after listening to this go die. I can not wait to see this in concert. The pit will be more insane than ever.

Release date: 11/3/09

My copy has been played about 666 times and I am working on hitting 777 soon. The only reason to not buy this CD tomorrow is death. BUY IT!

Order: Slayer, World Painted Blood

- tss

However, if he would release the raw footage instead of the inane edits he threw together here, more people would be willing to hear what he is saying. As it stands this video is shocking, but few people will take it seriously, especially the people that need to be reached.

Regardless, this full DVD must be seen and shared. You can get it at the following site: In Lies We Trust

- tss

Yo, Cos, you are all right in my book, man.

Major kudos, guys.

Share this.

- tss

ACT NOW!!!

- tss

If you are impatient, suffer from ADHD or find Bejeweled to be a great night of fun you will not want to play this game. If you are masochistic purchase this game. It’s horribly wonderful and sucks and rules all at the same time. I hate it! But I am compelled to keep playing.

I may have more actual info or something resembling a review on this game when I finally get somewhere with it.

- tss

- tss

Video chat rooms at Ustream

- tss

Paranormal Activity centers on a couple. Micah is trying to figure out what is happening with his girlfriend, Katie, and their home. Apparently she hears her name being whispered and there has been knocking and scratching noises in the walls. So he begins to film. There is a psychic that gives her the phone number of a guy that may be able to help them. Because the demon has Micah thinking he can figure this out on his own (by setting up different puzzles, puzzles which are always almost solved by Micah but not solvable at all), he asks her to not call the number.

In real life, demons make you think you are in control and that you can fix the situation on your own because you are finding answers to the clues they leave which always lead to more clues and paths. In actuality you are finding no answers and you are spiraling down into their control. This film shows this to perfection and is one of the more recent films to actually stay true to this for most of the film. This is how shit goes down in the world of demons. The movie is a great example of that.

The characters in this film are corny. Probably much like you and I. There is no Hollywood polish on the dialogue and I am very happy about that because it seems quite natural. There are inside relationship jokes thrown in for good measure and Oren Peli really brought the characters to life with this … not that glitz life everyone is beginning to think is real.

Funny thing, Micah has this camera and he wants so bad to film he and his girl doing the dugout dip that he practically begs. And every time he begs she turns him down and he turns the camera off. If it was me I would have used the setting to turn the power light off so she didn’t know it was running and stream that stuff live on my Facebook account.

Out of respect for Oren and the rest of the cast and crew I will not spoil the ending of this movie. I do have to say that I did not like the ending. It felt as though it was a bit rushed. No offense to anyone involved in the project … I just did not like the ending.

I am going to say if you absolutely have to be scared and want to see something other than the mainstream horror swill this is the movie to see right now. This beat the hell out of Zombieland. Go and see it.

- tss

PS: This is off topic, but if you want to hear some EVPs and read stories from some of the places we’ve investigated please go to ParaSci.org. I will have an article about this soon enough as it looks like we are gearing up to go back out.

Faizon Love: I really dig this guy. He is the character that let soiled condoms lay around in Blue Crush (I love that movie). This guy has the two things that make me laugh the most. He is fat and funny. Nothing more to say about this dude, but I really do dig him.

Vince Vaughn: The best dialogue ever is when Vince admits to hustling one of the hotel workers in Guitar Hero. Funny stuff. Vince delivers any line as if it was meant for him. Great stuff as usual from Vince.

Jon Favreau: Oh, man, this guy is funny. Without his shirt Jon looks like a doughy Lou Ferigno. Like if Lou was to stop weight lifting and begin eating pizza full time … that is Jon Favreau. As funny as Vince is in this film, Jon trumps it in a scene where he tries to talk a hotel masseuse into giving him a happy ending. It was a thing of beauty. Though he never did get the hand-job, it was a main highlight of this film.

Kristen Davis: This chick plays a mighty fine married woman on the prowl and the wife of john Favreau. She, like her husband in the movie, also tries to get a big of digital manipulation from her masseuse. Very endorphin driven.

Carlos Ponce: This guy played the yoga instructor. Now, this guy get the award for the most perverted person in the film. He basically gets everyone into different positions and dry humps his genitals on them. When he does this he says the word, “Boom.” Then he pats them on the ass and says, “Encouragement.” I have nothing more to say about this guy.

Yes this movie was funny. Must you see this on the big screen. No. It’s a comedy and this is one you can watch almost anywhere. Hell, I could watch this on my Treo and get the same effect. Plus, watching another predictable, happy ending comedy on the big screen may just piss you off regardless if you paid matinee prices or not. Now, if you can sneak into the theater for the happy ending conversation … then you got a winner. Save seeing this movie for the couch. Until then … boom with much encouragement.

- tss

The tutorial is pretty sweet and throws you into killing possessed bodies and skeletons of soldiers that have fought before you. Anyone online that is playing in the same area you can see as a ghost. Watching them can tell you what to or what not to do. It’s something that I never would have thought would be sweet until these things started wailing on me.

As a Barbarian I swing my club like a champ and brake many of these smaller obstacles, collecting their souls along the way. And then it happened …

My first boss battle. I lost. I charged and he killed me with one swipe of an axe larger than any bong I have ever seen.

So ended my introduction to Demon’s Souls. Pwned by some huge creature that I will not describe out of respect for this game. So far … I like this game. I see many sleepless nights in my future.

- tss

An Invitation from Bill Cosby and The Cosnarati from Bill Cosby on Vimeo.

They are promoting their album, Bill Cosby’s Cosnarati: State of Emergency, which is absolutely great. Trust me on this. You can download some of the album at The Cos Site.

More information:

Article on KickMag: “On Oct. 19, Cosby and the Cosnarati Band will kick off the project with a virtual town hall meeting in New York City. Presented in association with Ustream, the town hall starts at 7pm EDT (4pm PDT) on urban radio station web sites across the country as well as billcosby.com and facebook.com/billcosby. A highlight of the 90-minute event will include a first time ever performance by Cosnarati specifically for the town hall event of a few songs from the record. The songs will be available at digital retailers on Oct. 20, to be followed by the album’s Nov. 24 physical and digital release. ”

- tss