serious fix

Don’t let the critics ruin this one for you. I’m serious.

Pandorum is not trying to compete with the Oscar crowd. Some critics understand that, but most don’t. It is in a different league, playing a different game. This is not supposed to be “smart sci-fi” or even a social parable (although there are elements of that). It is also not torture porn as the posters imply. It is a solid, engaging story. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

I bought a ticket to this film without even reading a review, which is rare for me, but I had a feeling about it. I knew that the director had worked on the Resident Evil films previously, so I expected some variation of Super Mutated Zombies in Space with less Milla Jovovich and more sausage. Even if the film never superceded those expectations, I wouldn’t have felt taken advantage of, but by the time I left the theater, my hunger was satisfied and I was happily picking sausage out of my teeth. OK, that was a little bit homoerotic, but you get it. Where the Resident Evil films partially rode on the long, silky legs of Milla Jovovich (one more!), Pandorum is sure-footed enough to calm down the teen boy pandering and give us an adult story that stands tall on its own right.

The ride starts when two officers wake up from a long period of hypersleep. Their memories are vague at first, but the pieces are filled in nicely throughout the film. Without ruining any more than the first ten minutes of the film, the two men decide to cycle the reactor on the ship, which amounts to a somewhat logical catalyst for the plot. The story that follows is a mix between Alien and The Shining with elements of physical and psychological terror – the psychological manifesting itself in the form of a space psychosis called “pandorum.” That’s all I will say about the plot because that’s all that I knew when I decided to see it. For those of you who are intrigued by my semi-coherent advertisement for the film, don’t read any more reviews. Break the piggy bank, count your pennies, buy yourself a ticket, and embrace the sausagey goodness of this slick, sci-fi spectacle!

- Dan

A long time ago in a…ehhh nevermind.

I saw Fanboys and thought it was worthy of a few words. For those who didn’t catch it during its nearly nonexistent run in theaters, Fanboys tells the story of five friends who concoct a plan to break in to Skywalker Ranch and steal a pre-release copy of The Phantom Menace. Needless to say, the plot takes place during 1998, before the world was underwhelmed by Lucas’ return to the Star Wars mythology. That year marked the pinnacle of my adolescent dorkiness. Large glasses, lanky limbs, acne, and a fanboy obsession with Star Wars. I lived and breathed Episode I for months before its release and on opening day, I join the collective sigh of disappointment as the world realized that The Great Flanneled One had lost his touch. So I went in to this film looking for a personal connection to the characters. And I found it…sort of.

The main characters in the film all cover a different facet of the geek stereotype. One lives in his mom’s garage; another has suppressed his awkward, sweaty heritage; another maintains a “serious online relationship” with a person he has never spoken to; and the girl of the group rides the fine line between “hawty” and “just-one-of-the-guys.” There were plenty of moments in the movie when I chuckled knowingly at the banter between the characters. The nerd-culture is strong with this one. But other moments in the film pulled me out of 1998 and reminded me that I know how the story ends. Rather than depending wholly on the charm and innocence of the pre-Episode I atmosphere that the film creates, the dialogue is occasionally too aware of its own irony. For instance, several jokes play heavily on the fact that Episode I is no Empire Strikes Back. Near the beginning of the film one of the characters even goes as far as to exclaim, “Jar Jar Binks, man. That dude is going to be awesome!” I groaned at that one.

Fanboys is not a caper flick, a mainstream comedy, or even a film for the general geek population. This movie was made for Star Wars fans. The script is so riddled with inside jokes and references that (I think) it would be difficult for normal folks to enjoy much of it. Sure, there is some slapstick and situational humor nestled in the film, but without the foundation of Star Wars knowledge, those moments of humor are left hanging mid-punchline. Here’s the test. Find your pulse, count it for a minute, repeat 10 times and find the mean of your results. Now highlight the following text: GREEDO SHOT FIRST. If your heart rate didn’t increase, this film is probably not worth your money.

But I don’t want to end this review on a low note. The film is hilarious at times and even sort of heartwarming in an I-love-you-man-but-dude-I’m-not-gay kind of way. It’s definitely aimed at a specific audience, but for that demographic, this will probably become a classic. Fanservice of this caliber doesn’t come along very often, so if you have been waiting to show off your Chewbacca impression, the time has come to neglect all hygeine, invest in a bulk-load of Cheetos, and invite a few like-minded friends over for a night of ROFL *snort* ROFL just like the old days.

-dan