serious fix

2009 has been a very good year for serious fix. Not only has it skyrocketed to the top of the Internet, it saw China and Canada take away it’s serious fix ban which added several million new fans to the Site. Please join me now at taking a look back at what helped make 2009 such a great year for serious fix.

1. Into the Woods @ PA Playhouse – Was it the well written article or all the breast talk that shot the hit count for this article way out of the ball park (get it?)? Who cares? This was the most read article on serious fix and one of the most read articles in China.

2. Couples Retreat – I think it was the perverted masseuse that helped pump this articles hit count to second place.

3. Pandorum… – Could it have been the author’s obvious obsession with dick jokes that set this one on the climb? A solid third place on this.

4. H1N1 – The Ugly Swine Flu – We were so concerned about the Swine Fly (aka Hamthrax) that we had one of our field reporters in CA contract it so she would write about it. She is still alive. Fourth place.

5. H1N1 Vaccine Insert [Read This!] – We believe in warning you about the poisons your leaders agree to dump into you. That is why this article took a hefty fifth place. Because we care.

This story … f that. I don’t want to write a review about this film. I don’t want to think about this film. I don’t care at all about this film. So I am just going to write about it in a rude manner …

“What’s under the hood?” you ask.

1. Creepy baby thing crawling on the floor. Does not fit in with whatever plot the film has, but if you like that kind of thing, there you go.

2. Ghosts of victims of Winchester guns. Okay, they are still sporting their gun powder burned faces. Brilliant.

3. Parents who seem to not care that their daughter is missing. The director needed to rethink the way he worked on this. These people should have been trying desperately to find their missing daughter. Instead they were running away from ghosts and embracing each other during times of danger. Tripe.

4. Really bad death scenes. One guy gets thrown against a wall, walks out of his body, turns to look at his corpse and fades into something like a fog. Oh, I am amazed at the lack of awesomeness.

I got nothing. This film is retarded. I don’t think anyone could make a film this retarded on purpose. Its like someone gave a video camera to a person with a really bad brain tumor and said, “Go film some stuff.” And that person did just that. Yes. I am angry. I just wasted over an hour of my time laying on a couch watching this crap.

** The baby in that poster has nothing at all to do with this incredibly awful movie! NOTHING! It crawls across a floor and climbs up a bed! It has nothing to do with the movie!

With the exception of one character, Harrison Dent (a paranormal investigator played by Tomas Boykin), this film is a waste of time. It has a great setting, but it fails at delivering any serious scares. The feeble attempts to create a frightening atmosphere only detract from a story that may have had a chance with a few more rewrites and the right film crew.

Don’t rent it. Don’t Netlick it. By all means don’t buy it! DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Let’s start out first on the story. This chick needs money for a place to live. Instead of hooking like a normal broad she goes out and gets a job babysitting. Only, she finds out the baby is some tall dudes mom … at least that’s what the tall dude says. Oh, and there is this thing going on with the moon and it turns out there is some evil shite afoot and …

Now, what works with this story is the fact that you feel uncomfortable from the beginning no matter how she shakes her silly little tail. The further along you get you realize something is going to happen and it builds and builds for about 50 minutes and then something big happens …

SPOILER WARNING

After the main chick’s friend drops her off at the babysitting gig she pulls off the road to light a cigarette and finds that her lighter doesn’t work. Some dude pushes a lit lighter in front of her making her and me both jump. She lights her cigarette and thanks him. He verifies that she is not the babysitter, all friendly like, and then blows her face off with a pistol. Shocking. This is what is in store for you in the next forty minutes of the film.

The film basically begins to play like a survival horror game. To me, this is why the film works so well. It reminded me of the original Resident Evil and a game called Haunting Ground (PS2) in mood and shock value. If you like this kind of thing, please see this film. It is good.

Check out the Rotten Tomatoes Review below. Killer!

Jace the Great and Bill Cosby and The Cosnarati will be live tonight on Jay Leno. Tune in for some positive Hip-Hop.

So tune into the positivity and be sure to make some Jell-O, cause this show is going to be all that (no bag of chips here unless the Cos did a chip commercial I forgot about … hey hey hey).